I want to kill myself... I want to cry...?But I can't do either.... I feel like my life has been a disaster. Please read this, please help me!
-I'm a 20 year old male
-I dropped out of school when I was 14 (got a GED when I was 17)
-I am not in school now, & I have no job..
-For the past 2 years I've lived with my mom & my autistic brother in a small 2 bedroom apt. in the city
-I sleep on the couch in the livingroom
-I have practically no personal items; very few clothes
-I have a poor relationship with both my mother & brother; we barely talk, sometimes we go days w/o saying anything to eachother & my mom mostly just yells at me for not doing anything with my life. She's been unemployed for a while now & really needs me to get a job... & I honestly wish I could! But I can barely take care of my extremely basic needs right now...
-I have ZERO friends; I haven't had any real friends since I was 13
-I have gone months without saying more than 10 words a day
-I have social anxiety when talking to any stranger
-I have not had any meaningful emotional relationships since I had friends
-I have spent the last 6 years alone, inside, pretty much just pacing back & forth thinking.
-I worked for my dad when I dropped out of school, but he was a sociopath & never paid me. He owes me over 18K. I avoided contact with my mom during this period; she had kicked me out of her house when she found out I dropped out of school. Now I avoid all contact with my dad
-I have frequently reccurring major depressive episodes.
-Insomnia & hyposonmia
-Fluctuating eating patterns
-Fluctuating exercise patterns
-I feel like I am very immature and have boyish-like characteristics.. Unattractive I think, anyway
-I consider myself somewhat intelligent & bright,DEFINITELYy much still ignorant & uneducated
-I have poor communication skills (due to lack of education & NO ONE TO PRACTICE WITH)
-Unkempt self-appearance (not too bad, but I DEFFINITELY neglect myself)
-Bad, crooked teeth
-Very pale skin with acne
-Probably about 20 lbs overweight (or too fat)
-Lack self-discipline
-Trying to read more books lately to increase my knowledge & expand my vocabulary
-My favorite thing to do... is go to therapy. Sad..
I feel my parents have done a really poor job of taking care of me, though I think I might be responsible for part of this because I never "cried for the help I needed" I felt guilty whenever I asked for anything & thought that my parents would just know the best way to take care of me (... very stupid of me..). So now I guess I have severe self neglect problems, maladaptive avoidant behaviors, constantly contemplate suicide..., & don't know how to put my life back together... except go to therapy for a long time & sort this out...
The only diagnosis I have received is Neurotic Depression; my therapist doesn't really "do diagnosis".
I really need to get my life on track... I'm so lost & confused & lonely.... I really wish I could cry right now...
I keep thinking I should kill myself because of how far off course my life is & how much I am constanly stressed out, never having any moments of relief... In my head I am always trying to decide between living & trying my hardest to get my life on track & make something of myself & find happiness or giving up & commiting suicide because I think trying my hardest won't be good enough & I'll end up exhausted, miserable, & unhappy till I die... I'm really not sure I should even bother with this life anymore.. My future seems so bleak and futile... & needlessly painful. I should just put myself out of my misery....
I really just need someone to listen to me and offer some help right now.. One hour a week with my therapist seems to only be a TEASE! to me....
I want to get back to having friends & girlfriends (or one I mean), I want to get into school & get educated, I want to have a decent career...
Any advice is appreciated. SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG & INARTICULATELY WRITTEN.
*******!!!!! ****!!!!! I just want some advice!!! There is no one I can talk to.... I'm just that much of a loser... Tell me who I could talk to!!!! My therapist doesn't have the time, she's implied to me that I ask for enough attention already...
Jimmy John
I c no question here. Is yahoo answers your twitter account?
Lucifer Morningstar
Considering this is Yahoo Answers, your question wasn't inarticulately written. You'd feel a lot better if you found work. Considering that you worked for your father for years, you have a good work history. Take a couple of classes at a community college, and you should find people to talk to.
Hira
dont do it. i know life is hard, it is for everyone no matter what we have to go through. i feel like the one thing that could put your life together is getting a job that would help you find somebody that could maybe raise a family with you one day
if u get a job, it should be one that u love so that way u are preoccupied and u dont think about things like this. think about any talent u have, ANYTHING. do something around it. like u could work as a chef, a travel agent (which is kinda boring, but u just need a ged i think). SUICIDE IS THE WORST THING U COULD DO. please dont do it. please. keep looking. u could try video chatting with people to sharpen your skills a little.
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