Did I burn a bridge? (A psych undergrad who wants a PhD in psych)?I am currently in my fifth year of a BA/MA program in general psychology and I will be applying to PhD programs soon. However, I want to take a gap year before I apply. If I stay in this City, I would love work in a lab in this prestigious university. However, when I was a junior in high school (5-6 years ago) I worked under a professor at this university and he is still on the faculty there. The lab I am interested in looking into for my gap year is right next to this other professor's lab.
When I was in high school I was very awkward, he was a horrible mentor, and I felt very uncomfortable through out my time there. I was a high school student and, although I was very conscientious, I didn't do the work because I didn't understand anything. I also was at a stage in my life when I didn't know to ask for help when I needed it and had trouble admitting that I didn't understand something or was way in over my head. I needed more guidance than the "sink or swim" model of teaching that many professors use with their graduate students and I flipped out. (Although, now, I actually like "hands off" mentors.) I was a total flake because doing work related to this lab would make me intensely nervous. I started having panic attacks and anxiety attacks and would eventually end up on tranquilizers.
I never told anyone (not my friends, not my teachers, not my parents, no one) about this failed mentor/mentee relationship and I ended up having to present things to my class that he didn't know about and submit an application to the Intel-Westinghouse Science Talent Search. I made things up and I was not in my right mind. I think I was academically dishonest. I don't even know what I wrote. This was wrong, I think he had to sign off on it, so he must have seen something. I have no idea what happened because I was ill. I haven't talked to him since the summer of 2005.
I have bipolar disorder and having to work in a lab (along with many other things that were building up) precipicated a manic episode. When I presented these things and wrote these papers I was not well. At this same time I applied to upwards of 22 colleges, didn't sleep more than a few hours for days on end because I was writing a book for a $ 100,000 contract I believed I had with the New York Times, tore up all my clothes because I believed I had become a fashion designer, etc. In other words, I was crazy.
Almost everything about me has changed since then. Obviously, I am more mature. Medically, I have better control of my illness. Academically I am now a defense away from a masters in psychology and have a lot of research experience.
I feel like there was no closure to this relationship and I feel like I should do something about it. I also feel like I could not step foot on that campus unless I clear the air.
I never returned a copy of one of his textbooks that he wanted me to read. He specifically told me he needed it back. Should I FedEx him a textbook (an edition newer than the one he gave me) and send him a letter of apology? What should I say in the letter? Should I be truthful and tell him everything (that I was ill)? Should I try to clear the air? Or should I leave it alone and pretend this never happened? What if he doesn't even remember me? Should I bring something up if there were no bad feelings to begin with?
Stephanie .
First of all, bridges or no bridges you are on the road you're on now and don't you let anything stop you from your dreams. Who you are now is what matters. You know that you need to return those books. In my opinion mail him those books. Write a short letter saying you located the books and you felt it was the right thing to do to return them and you're terribly sorry about how long it took. That's it! Do not give a long explanation (excuse) for the past. Let it go. Take care of what you have now and just return them, short and sweet. Mail them off with your short letter, do not flinch, do not look back. Look forward. Your life is your own and you are in charge!
Orignal From: Did I burn a bridge? (A psych undergrad who wants a PhD in psych)?
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