HELP! I feel like "using" today (I'm a recovering addict), can anyone help talk me out of it?

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HELP! I feel like "using" today (I'm a recovering addict), can anyone help talk me out of it?Is there some sort of hotline?
I'm a recovering Heroin addict. I've been on the Methadone program for 2 years (it was a last resort, I know a lot of people think Methadone is just a substitue but my alternative was death or jail) and I'm finally detoxing. I made the mistake of trying Heroin last week and discovered that I can get high again (Methadone usually blocks the Heroin effects (euphoria) when at a proper dose). Since then, I've gotten high 4 times. I want to use just one more time today! I KNOW, every addict says that. It's all I can think about.

I just feel so down about everything lately. My boyfriend is a user and he is lying and saying he's not using. He "nodded" off the other day while eating a candy bar. He turned blue and started making gurgling noises and grabbing his throat. Luckily, I just instinctively knew the heimlach maneuver and I gave it to him and a huge chunk of Milky Way flew out (just like in the movies). It SCARED me so bad! I yelled at him and told him "I hate you" because I was just so mad.

I'm 36 and I'm on SSI. I have a bunch of mental disorders (borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, OCD, body dysmorphic, severe anxiety, and severe depression). I can't work because I just start crying because I think everyone is making fun of me and alll sorts of crazy thought run through my head. I've tried all sorts of meds. but never stayed on any of them for a long time. Heroin did help a lot especially with relaxing me and not caring what people think. However, it's not cheap and I stole from my family to support my habit. I put my mom through hell. I know it would kill her if I started using again. I just want to use once more though! The initial rush is undescriable. PLEASE HELP!
And please be kind.
I don't have children and that's another source of my anxiety. I would like my boyfriend and I to clean up because I'm getting old and I was adopted as an infant and I'd love to have an actual blood relative and someone to care for.

edit- my "spell check" isn't working so sorry about my bad spelling and typos.

Jim
GO TO YOUR NA MEETING & ASK THERE. OR GO TO AN OPEN AA MEETING. GOOD LUCK ITS NOT WORTH IT TO GO BACK OUT

!braay:)
Call a hotline, get a job, and pray.

Maid In Britain
Number one if your serious about being clean leave your boyfriend, you are only going to drag each other down. {it's harder to turn something your addicted to when the other is egging you on}.

second you know it won't be one more time, be honest how many one last times have you had.

you have said taking it will kill your mom, yes it will and it WILL kill YOU or your boyfriend, how would you feel if they died? put youself in your shoes.

make sure you take all your medication, if they are not working proberly, see your doctor and tell him about the heroin.

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